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You don't realize how much you use your body until you can't. I've been in so much pain the last week or so and I felt absolutely helpless. I was sleeping on ice packs (if I was sleeping, I've been awake til like 3 or so because the pain is too much), I went to the chiropractor three times and have to continue to go twice a week for who knows how long because I can't afford to slow down right now. My poor roommates basically had to do everything for me on Sunday because I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to break.  Sorry if I'm bitching, but this was my week. I hate feeling helpless. I don't like to be the one that everyone has to accommodate for. I enjoy my independence. I had to ask for help a lot this week, because I knew that was the responsible thing to do. I knew that in order for me to even make it through this semester I needed to swallow my pride and be helped. I'm going to try to not take advantage of all the great thin...

It was a better week mentally. Better being slightly higher. Still not GrEaT, but survivable. I feel like Shockheaded rehearsals pretty much saved this week for me. I was able to learn so much about movement and real human connection and it was so beautiful. I came out of that rehearsal having 11 more best friends than I did before. I felt so safe and loved by all those people and for the first time I found myself not thinking only about how I looked, if I was doing the craft right, if people were judging me, etc etc etc. *all the inner thoughts from climbing uphill start playing in my head* But I was finally able to get over all my personal bullshit, for a moment at least, and just lose myself in the art. And it felt amazing. And I was able to feel the confirmation again that THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. And the big man upstairs knows better than anyone that I needed to have that confirmed to me again. and again. and probably again. Things are looking up. Namaste.  ...

This has quite possibly been one of THE shittiest few weeks of my life. I fully intended for 2019 to be my year that I finally got it together, but HEY GUESS WHAT. It is the middle of January and I have cried almost everyday. Yup. Almost EVERYDAY. For me I think whenever I try to finally get my life together the devil is just like "ah naw you ain't gonna do that"... and honestly that builds my self confidence. He is trying so <explicit> hard to get me to fail which must mean that I'm pretty <explicit> great and that I'm gonna do some great work in my life that'll get him in a lot of trouble. So ya. Screw Satan. Anyway. Today I discovered that I really struggle at somersaults. like REALly. It's high key very embarrassing. I cried. You know. I guess I just have this mental block about it. and it goes way deeper than a freakin somersault. Its rooted in the very fact that I just feel so awful in my body. and I feel completely helpless. and I fee...