rey

https://youtu.be/cjpanJU34X4

https://youtu.be/isAdC7OIy3A

I'm trying to figure out positivity. I've not been doing great at that. <- lol negative. I don't know why I constantly feel like giving up. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now at this point in my life but I have a hard time getting over whatever mental block it is that seems to be holding me back from being the best version of myself. I guess I just need to continue to try new things and tactics to help propel my self forward. My mom thinks if I start horseback riding again that will help. I think a big chunk of my problems would be solved if I could just get back in shape, which I know. And it is easier said than done unfortunately.... but I am going to work my ass off this summer to get my self confidence to a good place and where it isn't holding me back from being successful in my work. I NEED TO BE BETTER I WANT TO BE BETTER I CAN BE BETTER. 

https://youtu.be/c7BdL3dR0o8

https://youtu.be/0faK0AOVCTw

I love contact improv. I don't love writing. Here's a video.  https://youtu.be/JftFHsLsbSY

I'm slowly making progress I think. I am not as afraid. I'm still freaking afraid of a lot of things don't get me wrong. But I am getting better. I feel like shockheaded allowed me to explore a side of theatre I had never really experienced before and I am so grateful for that experience. I sometimes feel insecure about the work I did in that show, and I need to discover how to be able to accomplish the things in my work I want to accomplish so I can become the person and actor that I want to be. The next few months and into the summer I am going to do my best to work on myself spiritually, mentally and physically so I can jump into my sophomore year with the confidence that I wish I had right now. I feel like I have grown a lot this semester already and I am looking forward to whatever the rest of the semester has in store for me. So, spring break is going to hopefully revitalize me and help me gain back the momentum and energy I need to finish out the rest of the...

So, I changed my entire movement project the night before it was due. It just wasn't right. The song I had picked I was SO sure of, but then it wasn't telling the story that I wanted to. The song had basically come to me in a dream so I was so sure it was what I was supposed to use... but it wasn't. However, without this song as my original movement project, I would have never come up with the one that I presented in the end and I think that is all that matters. I think sometimes we think we are at our destination, but truly we're only half way there, and we have to trust that God (or whatever higher power), is leading us to a more fantastic final destination than we could have ever imagined. I think that is what happened to me when I moved to Logan. I had such a clear picture of what my life was going to be for the next four years, and even though it is not at all like I thought, it is so much better than I could've imagined. I am so grateful to be her...

The other day it hit me. Shockheaded Peter opens in two weeks and I've had only like 2 breakdowns about it. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I haven't done a show in over 3 years and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I am trying to be more specific about my character and why she's here. I understand the fundamentals. I understand what I want to do, but for some reason I can't seem to connect my brain to my body and that feels like a movement issue to me. So maybe it'll come with more time. I'm also really struggling finalizing my movement project. The whole thing feels wrong. So I might just have to scrap the entire thing. I know the story I want to tell, but like I said earlier I have a hard time connecting my movement to my brain. I'm going to spend most of the weekend trying to figure out how to share what I need to share. 

I am struggling I am feeling better about class, but I'm having a very hard time working on my movement project because I feel like I can't move. I'm having a very hard time being comfortable in my body and I'm not sure how to change that. I had a song picked for my movement project but I changed it because it was all wrong. My new song basically came to me in a dream and I feel much much happier about it, but I am still working on trying to perfect the story I want to tell, or am attempting to tell. My pain is getting better, but still not great. I start to feel better and then I push myself past my limits and end up right back where I started. I'm totally aware of this, but I can't stop being an idiot and just allowing my body to heal. I'm not sure if I am expecting to much and if I just am so focused on getting my body to do things that it physically is incapable of. body dysmorphia is a mother f*****. I want to be happy with my body and my p...

Week 3 of bum shoulder. I've spent hundreds of dollars in chiropractic appointments already and I'm constantly in pain. I wish I didn't have to sit out in classes. I hate sitting on the sidelines and watching. I wish my body could do what I wanted it to in a healthy way. I feel like I don't know what to write. I don't have much to say about my own personal progression, because I am not. I don't know how much I can learn from just watching people do somersaults and cartwheels. It's impossible to learn without doing it myself. WHY DID 16 YEAR OLD RACHEL DO IRRESPONSIBLE THINGS THAT CAUSED CURRENT ME SO MUCH PAIN. Thats all I have today.

You don't realize how much you use your body until you can't. I've been in so much pain the last week or so and I felt absolutely helpless. I was sleeping on ice packs (if I was sleeping, I've been awake til like 3 or so because the pain is too much), I went to the chiropractor three times and have to continue to go twice a week for who knows how long because I can't afford to slow down right now. My poor roommates basically had to do everything for me on Sunday because I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to break.  Sorry if I'm bitching, but this was my week. I hate feeling helpless. I don't like to be the one that everyone has to accommodate for. I enjoy my independence. I had to ask for help a lot this week, because I knew that was the responsible thing to do. I knew that in order for me to even make it through this semester I needed to swallow my pride and be helped. I'm going to try to not take advantage of all the great thin...

It was a better week mentally. Better being slightly higher. Still not GrEaT, but survivable. I feel like Shockheaded rehearsals pretty much saved this week for me. I was able to learn so much about movement and real human connection and it was so beautiful. I came out of that rehearsal having 11 more best friends than I did before. I felt so safe and loved by all those people and for the first time I found myself not thinking only about how I looked, if I was doing the craft right, if people were judging me, etc etc etc. *all the inner thoughts from climbing uphill start playing in my head* But I was finally able to get over all my personal bullshit, for a moment at least, and just lose myself in the art. And it felt amazing. And I was able to feel the confirmation again that THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. And the big man upstairs knows better than anyone that I needed to have that confirmed to me again. and again. and probably again. Things are looking up. Namaste.  ...

This has quite possibly been one of THE shittiest few weeks of my life. I fully intended for 2019 to be my year that I finally got it together, but HEY GUESS WHAT. It is the middle of January and I have cried almost everyday. Yup. Almost EVERYDAY. For me I think whenever I try to finally get my life together the devil is just like "ah naw you ain't gonna do that"... and honestly that builds my self confidence. He is trying so <explicit> hard to get me to fail which must mean that I'm pretty <explicit> great and that I'm gonna do some great work in my life that'll get him in a lot of trouble. So ya. Screw Satan. Anyway. Today I discovered that I really struggle at somersaults. like REALly. It's high key very embarrassing. I cried. You know. I guess I just have this mental block about it. and it goes way deeper than a freakin somersault. Its rooted in the very fact that I just feel so awful in my body. and I feel completely helpless. and I fee...